Mea Culpa

Guilt is the sharpest sword in my collection.
The Catholic church impressed it on my parents and they have passed it on to me.


Before I met Chuck it impacted me so that I had already arranged plans to fall off the planet.
I must have really fallen off, because I don’t even touch it when I walk around.


How do you find yourself?

Grandma used to say, “all the oceans can be filled into one clamshell before you get any answers.”


And here I am with my diapers down
Running around to each corner of the house pleading my case
Screaming at the loose nails in our floor boards
Moving the couch around to cover them up
Moving Chuck to Oregon to cover me.


One day we’ll get rid of the couch because he can see how tired I am of sitting
Which is suiting, since this much guilt should be served standing up.

Lou

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Alessandro ed Efestione, tutta un'altra storia...

 

(questo l'ho trovato in internet...recensione di Alexander..merita!)


Per dimostrarvi che siamo gente seria e assennata e vi vogliamo bene, oggi partiamo con una nuova rubrica che sicuramente interesserà ai tipi un po' parsimoniosi: Per soli 3 Euro al posto di 7.50 I film ve li raccontiamo noi!!!
Ieri il vostro inviato (che sono io per l'appunto) è andato di buzzo buono a vedere Alexander. Il mio coinquilino, infatti aveva rimorchiato una bagascia dall'università e voleva la casa libera (ma che mi fate dire!). Un consiglio, se andate al cinema come pre-serata e pensate poi di "consumare" il resto della noche in "approfondimenti" tematici con la vostra (o il vostro) partner, questo film non è per niente adatto. Primo perchè all'uscita del film avrete le idee un po' confuse, maschi con maschi, femmine con femmine, cavalli maschi con cavalli maschi, beduini, celentani, rite pavoni,...una babylonia che non vi dico. Secondo perchè il film dura 3 ore e non credo che vi siate mai trovati ad affrontare dei preliminari tanto lunghi. Se poi vi capitano le prime due file potreste chiedere all'INPS 2 o 3 punti di invalidità permanente vista la posizione imposta alla vostra cervicale...
Ma torniamo al film. Il Colossal comincia con una grande Onda, bellissima, vedete i pesci e tutto il mondo sottomarino. Dura 2 minuti. Comincerete ad appassionarvi al mondo degli abissi e a qualcuno di voi potrà venire in mente addirittura di acquistare un acquario. Ma non cadete nella trappola! Scoprirete che è solo la presentazione della casa produttrice del film. Peccato, vi stava piacendo. IL film vero comincia con il re Filippo di Macedonia detto Polifemo (perchè aveva un solo occhio buono) che si cerca di ingroppare la moglie Olimpia.
La moglie probabilmente si chiamava così perchè la dava solo ogni 4 anni. Lei non cede e inizia a dire "Dai tesoro stasera no, ho le mie cose, e poi tra poco comincia "chi vuol essere milionario"....e dai e no, no, no.... e dai non vedi che c'è lu creaturu (indica il piccolo Alessandro quindi non ancora "magno") che sta giocando con le bisce? Che lo dobbiamo fare mordere e avvelenare? Ancora non ha familiarità con gli scurzuni, ti prego per stasera chiudi un occhio..." Si capisce presto perchè l'occhio di Filippo a causa dei continui rifiuti di Olimipa si incancrenì e usci pus e tante altre schifezze che non sto qui a dirvi!
Dunque, la familiarità di Alessandro con gli anni crebbe e crebbe creebbe creeebbe... anche troppo creebbe! Aristotele (che non era fesso) l'aveva detto subito. Vedendolo lottare col giovane e a quanto pare bello Efestione (tutte le ragazze della sala ogni volta che usciva lui emettevano suoni gutturali inequivocabili tipo ghhhh ghhh ggghhhhh) aveva detto: questo se continua così rimarrà tutta la vita bloccato tra le cosce di Efestione. Sputa Can'coddhra (trad. Detto fatto) fu proprio così. Scene con decine ma che dico decine, milline di femmine nude sbavanti per Alessandro e lui che fa? Sempre a cercare Efestione. Un disgusto che non vi dico. A questo punto nascerà la convinzione in voi che se un Dio esiste (Alessandro si riteneva divino), certamente lui non poteva essere!
A un certo punto Alessandro si mette in testa che deve conquistare il mondo. Attacca l'Afghanistan (con 3 cannoncini) tira i dadi e gli va bene. Sposta tutto in Siam e vuole attaccare la malesia. I suoi gli dicono. "Alessandro ma che ca**o ti viene in mente, lo sanno tutti che c'è Sandokan e quello è una tigre e ci fa un culo così...". Ma lui niente, dice: attacchiamo. E attaccano. E gli elefanti della Malesia gli fanno un culo così. E lui: ritiriamoci, torniamo a casa. E i suoi... Per le palle di Zeus, non ti potevi decidere prima? Alessandro come torniamo in Macedonia che qui stiamo senza cavalli, senza bighe, senza scarpe, e ci hanno pure sfracanato di mazzate??? Erano passati 7 anni (in tibet) e lui decide di tornare a casa. Ma non ce la fa. Prima però per dare l'unica gioia a sua madre (che si era quasi convinta di avere il figlio frocio) sposa una giovane barbara (non di nome) che lo ama ma non sembra tanto trasportata. Però anche lui ha delle colpe visto che la prima notte di nozze lei lo scopre a limonare col suo caro amico Efestione. Resta un po' scioccata e la vagnona tene puru ragione (se vogliamo).
Basta così, il resto è storia. Lui muore all'età di 33 anni ma il suo nome rimbomba ancora nelle nostre orecchie. Perchè lui era Alessandro e anche ai nostri giorni ci sono un sacco di Alessandro. Invece Efestione non se l'è filato nessuno, infatti sfido chiunque a portarmi uno si chiama Efestione!

     

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